I’ve always rolled my eyes at the phrase “if he wanted to, he would.” It feels simplistic, almost like a cliché people toss out when they don’t know what else to say. Human behavior is complicated. Timing can be off. Life gets messy. Surely, we think, there must be more nuance than that.

And yet, the older I get, the more I realize: as much as I hate it, it’s true.

Why It Stings So Much

The phrase is painful because it shines a harsh light on rejection. If he didn’t text back, if he didn’t plan the date, if he didn’t make time for you — the unspoken truth is that he didn’t want to enough. That’s a bitter pill to swallow when you care about someone and desperately want their lack of effort to mean something else.

We cling to excuses: he’s busy, he’s stressed, he doesn’t know what he wants, he’s not good with his phone. And sure, sometimes those things are real. But effort has a way of cutting through excuses. If someone truly wants to, they’ll find a way.

Effort > Excuses

Think about the times in your life when you’ve really wanted something — whether it was a person, a job, or a dream. You didn’t sit back and hope it magically worked out. You showed up. You rearranged your schedule. You made it happen.

Relationships are no different. When someone wants to be in your life, it shows. You won’t be left overanalyzing a three-day texting gap or trying to justify why they keep canceling. Effort doesn’t leave you confused. It’s not perfect, and it doesn’t mean grand gestures every day, but it’s consistent. It’s intentional.

And if they’re not showing up that way? That’s your answer.

The Fast-Forward Button

Instead of hearing “if he wanted to, he would” as cold or dismissive, I’ve started seeing it as a fast-forward button. It gets you past the confusion, past the spiral of overthinking, and straight to the truth.

If they’re not trying, they’re not prioritizing you. And that’s not about being bitter — it’s about being clear.

Not Just a Dating Thing

Here’s the kicker: this phrase doesn’t just apply to romance. Friendships? Same rules. The people who want to see you, see you. The ones who don’t, fade out. Work? If someone’s motivated, they’ll go the extra mile. Family? The ones who care will check in, no matter how busy life gets.

Wanting to means trying. Not wanting to means excuses. Full stop.

The Mic-Drop Moment

As much as I hate to admit it, “if he wanted to, he would” is really about self-respect. It’s your reminder not to settle for crumbs or keep guessing if you matter to someone.

Because when someone really wants to be in your life, you won’t have to analyze or chase. You’ll know. Their actions will make it obvious. And that’s the part I can’t argue with anymore.

So yes, I hate the phrase — but I also love the freedom it brings. “If he wanted to, he would” is a reminder not to settle, not to over-explain, and not to shrink yourself for someone else’s lack of effort. You deserve people who don’t just say they care, but show it. And the moment you start believing that, you stop chasing and start choosing.

Love, Laura